Sunday, March 6, 2011

I am Completely Insanse, part 45239.

OK. So. I am a crazy person. Let's just get that out there. I know, everyone knows it. At least I admit it. I'm nuts.

So- here is an example.

Backstory- My first love. He was.....something. Anyway, we had a nasty horrible breakup and he got married very shortly after said breakup to the girl he knocked up. That was almost 7 years ago. Ya, I'm not so good at letting things go. (I still hate you Alyssa who stole my sparkle pencils in 4th grade).

So. About 4 years ago, my friend saw the ex and his wife and kid in Trader Joe's and told me about it. Since that day I have been terrified of Trader Joe's. Because of course if she saw him that must mean he is there 24/7.

Anyway, the other day I had to go to Trader Joe's and was thinking about that with every corner I turned. But not to worry- I made it out unsighted. On to Costco.
I'm walking through Costco and (just like a movie) his wife walks out of an aisle and walks right past me.
I immediately realize its her. Because she is not insane like me, she does not know who I am.
I turn on a dime and start to follow her.
Ya, you heard me. I followed her all while slightly hyperventilating and shaking.
He is not there. She's with her mom and kids.
I stare at those kids. STARE. They look like him. I look at that oldest kid and think to myself that I was with her dad while she was baking in her mom's oven.
I want to vomit.

ANYWAY, why was I sharing this? I don't know. It really really shook me and ruined the rest of my night. It made me really sad that I don't have a best girlfriend I could have called to talk to about it.

But as I drove home listening to very very loud music (the best therapy) I had a realization.

It's not him that I miss. I let 'him' go years ago. What I miss is the way my life was when I was with him. Now common sense tells me I can't compare life at 15 and in love for the first time to now. But back then was so easy. We were so sickeningly happy. We had  great friends, did fun things all the time. High school and college, first apartments, first jobs and other firsts.

I mourn for that. Before car payments, mortgages, careers and heartbreak. Being naive and starting fresh.

Anyone else get what I'm saying at all? Anyone else still think of their first love, years and years later?

1 comment:

  1. I think that one sign that I am getting old is not being able to say that I'm crazy anymore. It's not funny to me anymore.

    I totally identify with you on the can't-go-to-trader-Joe's-because-I-could-bump-into-him-there feeling thought. That one I have all the time. I think it's called paranoia.